Lately, I’m finding myself in a heap.
The person I have been dating for two and a half years suddenly decided to stop all contact, cold.
Hence why I’ve been driving myself crazy listening to “ghosting” videos for a week.
I’m not going to use that term anymore, because it stirs up bad feelings in me. Instead, I am calling it what it is: he has chosen not to speak with me. Putting the onus on him, not the one who’s been dropped like a bag of garbage in a dumpster.
This is going to be a very real post for me today because I have been pondering a lot these last two weeks:
If I am unable to approach a partner, saying what I need for mutual fulfillment in a relationship, is it a relationship–or a fantasy?
To have someone go absolutely silent must be what it’s like to lose someone you love to a tragic accident; the pain is that great.
One Youtuber has a short where he writes from the “ghoster’s” position, his letter to the ghosted, ending with, “I am dead.” Another, in a meaningful conversation, says this is the worst way to end a relationship, leaving someone to question what happened, because most of us will fill in the blanks with all sorts of “what’s wrong with us.”
I see in myself my own trying to make sense of things.
What if I don’t need to?
What if this really is his issue?
The beauty in this situation is that it is giving me perspective. Of myself.
Causing me to reach out for support and look at my underlying patterns. Not as the “blamable” one, but as learning how I tend to participate in relationship, where I have need to be more real, more authentic in speaking my needs.
As I stated in my last post, when I asked AI to show me my blind spots, the first thing it said is that my body knows first. The edgy anxiety I feel around this person may not be a great indicator of compatibility. Instead, it may be my body saying I cannot relax around this person. That I “need” a facade to be safe.
Nothing meaningful is going to come from that.
It is interesting to me, I have noticed that caffeine pills feel enticing again, as they did in high school, when I began using them to feel ok about myself, to ease anxiety about my “not-enoughness.”
I was taking near seven a day of these when I met my former spouse. (I told you this would be an honest post)
For many, many years in our marriage, I ran. From pain.
I did not know how to cope. We went to counseling; I went to counseling. My life truly only began to change once I saw someone who helped me see that I am a whole person, needing to care for all aspects of self: diet/nutrition, rest, supplementation, relaxation, relationships that are thriving, work that fulfills. These are pillars which are built over time. Not all of us have it come together at once.
What I want to share with you is that you are a magnificent being. Everything you have experienced, felt, endured, lived through, taken with you, and continue to is making you stronger.
Keep loving yourself. Keep knowing your worth. Keep believing.
For, what is on the horizon is the most beautiful sunrise you have ever seen.
It is already here.
